The Immortal One

There were a few humans that ever survived Daimoinin in the dungeon called GT (Ghostly Temple). This wasn’t an ordinary dungeon but a suicide dungeon. But there was a ring that could make your life become immortal and there were three people that came to battle the unknown. There names are Lippy, Unislash, and Longir. From Stoneglow they battled there way from killer bees’, snakes, giant spiders, and up all up to the front of GT.

They went inside staying really close to each other. They are turning the corner and saw ghost, vampires, dragons, skeletons, demons, and most of all liches. They where going all out and fighting like the three Musketeers. Until they get to the near the end they came up to the fire Giants boom, slash, swoosh, they killed all but one it was the one that uses archery. Although they didn’t know such mob that could use archery. Unislash charged at it. Longir and Lippy both said, “WAIT”!!!! ssssssssht. Unislash falls wounded by the fiery arrow. Lippy goes toward Unislash and Longir used Frostbolt and then used minor heal on Unislash, but it was too late for Unislash. They both crowed toward Unislash and made a prayer ( this is where we got prayers from in the game) and put an avatar over his grave.

The Archery Fire Giant had a key to get to the next room, so Lippy and Longir went on ahead fighting the sorrow of mobs. They fought all the way to the stairs . They knew what it was GT level 2, so they went up. They had more mobs then ever demilich, Liches, Ghouls, and worse of all demon greens. At first they thought this is easy until they to the part of more firegiants and they saw a new mob called beholder_dread. They were bigger then the firegaints and hit harder too. So they figure to use frostbolt and cause light wounds. It worked the stormed into the vampires then stopped and looking dead right in the eyes of a 5 bone devils and a vampire. Lippy and Longir used firestorm swooom they all went down when the heat wave across them. They ran into more so they did it again but this wasn’t an ordinary vampire. It was a vampire lord and he was immune to it so they both used there swords and shields and used cause light wounds and killed it with 10 hits. They went to the next room.

There was to many mobs and they had to make a run for the secret wall that they spotted when they killed the vampire lord. Although there was green demons, bone devils, optys, and one demon goat. They ran as fast as they could right into the secret wall and ran into the belly of a green demon. They green demon spit out poison toxic. They both dodged it and Lippy used lightning on it and before Longir could use a spell it was already dead. Longir got off the ground and used minor heal on Lippy because he was burned from his spell. Now that they have rested up they went running and fighting until they came to a room of more demon goats. They battle with lightning, cause of wounds, firestorm, magic bullet, frostbolt, and firebolt. The whole room was empty until they saw the fiery death mob called demon_sfire. Therefore  they used frostbolt to calm down the heated room and killed all of them came across a devil_lord right in a small gap. And he used lighting and it stroke Lippy. Longir shout noooooooooooooo!!!!!!. Longir used frostbolt on it and used his sword. Slash, swoom, swoosh, shhcut. It went down. Longir used minor healing on Lippy. Lippy was badly hurt, but he still went on and found more stairs.

They knew it was getting harder and they knew what they were getting into. They went up the stairs. Popped there heads when they got up top. It was quiet to quiet. So they walk to the next room and saw optys and they tried to avoid it and they did. Until they ran right into some demon_armour mobs. They used all what they got and destroy every one of them. The only thing that was left was there armour. Then they came across some demon lord but they didn’t bother them. They went into there next room. Boom, zing, the raas cast some lightning and stroke Lippy right in the head. About 7 raas was coming after Longir. But longir knew that Lippy was dead. So he used some icestroms and some cause light wounds there and some lightning there. And eventually they were all dead. He went towards Lippy and made a grave and wrote a true follower of the Tabernacle and went into the next room. And saw the master of lom_lobon, but also saw the ring of immortal. Longir used all he got but didn’t make a dent or even a scratch. The lom_lobon used his lightning and miss but barley missed. Longir was running so was the lom but it was following him all the way. Longir thought of something (like he always does) and then charged at him lom used magic bullet. Longir dodged it and ran behind him and used lightning. The lom went flying forward and right into the wall and loms body exploded.

Longir was exhausted from the long fight and terror of his friends. He just remembers of what he came for and he went toward the ring and put it on. The whole room turned yellow and so did Longir’s body and this is how he became immortal.

And how did they come to GT? read here

http://www.daimonin.com/empty-t5866.0.html;msg58546#msg58546

Just trying to inspire u, wawoo

Oh, not to forget: Nice story, u made up there, very funny

lol thx nobbit for the begging of my story

Again this is another large story indeed, (huge plot). Which imposes a typical style spoof (the game designers being our heroes), which I think has a lot of potential as a great comedy read .

If you are willing to improve your story, I strongly suggest you go back and do some major editing: your tenses are jumbled, and please check your spelling, grammar and punctuation, (MS Word may help you with that).

I don't know much about writing these kinds of comedies. But you seem to have done quite well with the randomness. I will get back to you on this, I think your story has a lot of potential, but seems to lack a bit of that passion at the moment.

Nonetheless, well done .

Cheers,
Anich

okay how about this:




                                                                      The Immortal One
CHAPTER 1: THE BET

There were three guys at the Stonglow Tavern drinking away. The first guy named Serenus, a brave and calm all the time like he would get all the ladies in school. The second guy is named halcyon. He is always quiet but cleaver like he would be a Daimonin teacher of prayers. Last guy named Ilkon, a common ordinary guy and to soft on the inside. Looks like he is always positive and never see evil in his heart. Until they stopped playing jug that bear, Serenus bet Ilkon to go to O.O.P and bring back the cloak of ruhuns. Halcyon said hey don't be so mean u know he can't do that with out help, heck u can't do it by your self. Not even the powers of hell can do such a thing. Ilkon said "do I"... "How about this" Serenus broke in. "Us three will go see who is the brave and get that cloak to show of what we did. We go at dawn. It was quiet and they went home to get rested up for the big day.
At 6:30 they packed 300 booze, 10 rations of food, full armor, and a couple of rods for back up. Then they walk into the portal and outside the apartments. The three guys looked at each other and they knew that they are ready to start. So they walked slowly at first to get the feel of torture and suicide of what they have betted. When they reached to the gates of the outside world they looked back to see there homes and past. Next they turned around and started back to walk. When walking there was silence until Ilkon said, “Make sure you have your ring of healers on or something that has stealth. You never know what’s going to pop up and try to attack”. Serenus and Halcyon ignored what Ilkon said. Never stopped walking to check because they both made sure that they had everything all set and Ilkon knew to, but everything was so quiet and tried to make a conversation. All they could see is the forest and grass and nothing that could stop them in there tracks until they became up to an old unstable wooden bridge. They were like 300 feet up in the air and what’s below them was water and alligators. Ilkon went up to it and tried to test it. “Leave it up to smarty pants over here to figure out stuff” Serenus said. Ilkon gave him that look like u do when your sister says something stupid. Halcyon said, “Hey we are all hot and sweaty how about a rest and eat by the big builders over there. Serenus agreed and they both said down and brought out the rations and booze to rest up for 10 min. There was quietness through the meal and no one talked maybe because of scariness of what happens to them.

CHAPTER 2: THE JOURNEY BEGINS

After 10 min was up they packed up and it was 8:23 in the morning so they have to make a move on it. Therefore they went toward the old wooden bridge and they had to think how it will hold much weight or not. Therefore they had to find out for them selves. Serenus went first to make sure it held up his weight which it cracked a bit but he made it through. Ilkon was next and he weighed less then Serenus, as a result it just rocked and some creaks but all good. Finally it was Halcyon turn and he weighed more then Ilkon but less then Serenus. He started to walk across and go to the middle it was going all smoothly and right about when he got to the end CRAKE CLING the ropes split into on the opposite side where he was going. He ran fast as he could and right when the bridge was falling he jumped and dove right on the other side for a save. “You always have to make a dramatic scene don’t u Halcyon” said Serenus. “Hey I didn’t ask for it I almost died didn’t that bother you one bit”? “Just come on and don’t be a baby” said Serenus. Ilkon helped Halcyon up and said “don’t worry about that dude he was worry it’s just his way of showing it”. “Hey!! You two are going to stay here like babies or u coming” said Serenus. Halcyon and Ilkon ran to catch up to Serenus and joined him with there journey.

CHAPTER 3: THE CAVE

Boom!!!! There goes a crack of lighting. The three went off and saw a cave. They had to run because of rain was about to pour any second. They were getting closer and closer until they saw Hill Giants blocking the entrance. Then they became a complete stop in front of the giant. The Hill Giant said “what do u want”? Serenus said “we are travelers and we want to know if we can come in to rest and eat with u guys. The Hill Giant said “you three can come in for now. Follow me and no one gets hurt.” The three guys followed the Hill Giant into this big ragged cave full of drawings on the walls. As they were following the Hill Giant everyone was looking at the three travelers like a little boy does when he sees a car riding pass his street. Your guys can rest here in this spot and my name is Goliath, I own this cave. Stay here and ill tell the others, but don’t talk to no one. The three nods there head and started to get the rations and booze out with there eyes wide open and cautious of what’s around them. There was gold, meat, water, weapons, shields, and etc. when they were done eating they checked the time. It was 7:00 at night and they need sleep from there long journey. Serenus said “I and Ilkon will fall asleep and Halcyon will keep guard and we will take turns. We will have 2 hours sleep and then the next persons turn. They all agreed and eventually the two fell asleep. And it was halcyon all alone too keep guard and all the other cave dwellers ware asleep and Halcyon was dosing off and couldn’t help and fell asleep. However Serenus wasn’t asleep. He tiptoed toward the treasures and packed some of it in there journey bags and made sure there wasn’t a big difference that some of the treasures was taken. Then tiptoed back to the spot where Goliath told them to stay and fell asleep.

CHAPTER 4: THE ESCAPE

Boom!!! Bang!!! Boom!!! The cave dwellers was up and working on the cave. The three travelers woke up with startlement. There was coffee and bread and fruit in front of them. “I’m glad you guys woke up just in time for breakfast and to work.” Goliath said. “Yeah, sure you helped us and we help you”. Halcyon said nervously. Goliath then gave them picks and wedges to dig further into the cave. Then Goliath pointed to the dark, mysterious part of the cave. They both went but before they reached the darkness Serenus said, “Were going run for it. So get ready and ill be sure to be last one out. You two pretend to get some fresh air and bring your bags to get them out of the damp cave. Then ill get my bag and pretend to go to. Then well run fast as a dog casing a cat, now go”. Therefore Halcyon and Ilkon got there bags and went out side the cave and started to stretch. Then Serenus stop picking at the cave and got his bag and began to walk outside. Then a piece of gold fell out of the pocket and Serenus felt it. One of the Hill Giants hollered “THIEF, THIEF he has stolen our treasure”. His plan failed and started to run as fast as he could and hollered “RUN, GO, go now”!!! The two ran through the meadow followed by Serenus then Goliath and finally all the cave dwellers. The travelers ran and ran until they didn’t smell or hear the Hill Giants.
Halcyon and Ilkon stopped at a builder to rest and then came Serenus out of breath and very sweaty. “Lets rest here it’s only 8:00 in the morning”. Halcyon said when he was out of breath. The other two agreed and Serenus got out some booze and rations of bread and fruit from this morning. It was minutes when they got there breathe back to normal. When they were all done Halcyon began to pack up the leftovers. When he opened the bag there was some of the treasures of the Hill Giants. Halcyon mouth dropped and asked “where in hell did this come from? Serenus did you take this”? “Yes” he said. “Don’t lie to me” Halcyon said. “I just said yes”. “Now I know u took this”. “How clear do I have to be yes I took this”? Serenus asked. “Why did you take this, we could’ve died from those cave dwellers”. “Hey they weren’t going to need it, besides they didn’t catch us we are in power now”. Serenus said with a wide smirk on his face. The two just looked at each other with silence and they knew what they were going to say, but no one spoke. “Hey this journey isn’t going to do it self you know, we need to put road behind us”. Ilkon said. The three finished packing and began to walk. Serenus left side of Ilkon and Halcyon on the other side of Ilkon.

CHAPER 5: THE TRADAGY

“Look there is an old building”. Halcyon said in excitement. This building in front has long grass and broken windows with vines growing up the walls. They ran but not to hard towards the old building door. The door was really crocked and vines closed it up. So Serenus got out his sword of beast and sliced the vines away. Then walked in and there was broken statues and bones with bugs all over the floors. There three doors one was a gate door and had a basement and the other looked like it was jammed tight. So they went toward the gate and went down the muddy, smelly, green basement. They stayed really close to each other. They are turning the corner and saw ghost, vampires, dragons, skeletons, demons, and most of all Liches. They where going all out and fighting like the three Musketeers. So they turned the corner and killed the ghost, skeletons, vampires, dragons, even the Liches. Until they came up to the end, there was fire Giants and they like to bash u like the Hill giants. Therefore they knew what they were going to get into in, so they charged one by one with a boom, slash, swoosh. They killed all of them except the boss. So Ilkon charged at it without thinking. Serenus and Halcyon both said, “WAIT”!!!! Ssssssssht. Ilkon falls wounded by the fiery arrow that was in his forehead. Halcyon goes toward Ilkon and Serenus used Ice-bolt on the mob and then used minor heal on Ilkon, but it was too late for Ilkon. They both crowed toward Ilkon and made a prayer (this is where divine prayers came from) and put an avatar over his grave and went on with caution.

 So Halcyon and Serenus went on forgetting there fight and went ahead fighting the sorrow of mobs. They fought all the way to the stairs of doom. They knew it was getting harder every step of the way so they took a quick rest. After they’ve had rested they went on and saw more monster like demilich, Liches, Ghouls, and worse of all demon greens. At first they thought this is easy until they came up to the part of more fire-giants and “they both said this is for u Ilkon” and they slew away, then went on to the next killing machine room. They didn’t see no ordinary monster they saw a new mob called beholder-dread. They were bigger then the fire-giants and they knew they hit harder too. So they figure to use ice-bolt and cause light wounds. It didn’t go down so easily when they are a lot bigger then you, but around 20 hits of slashing and dicing it went down about 10 minutes. But they had back up; it was 5 bone devils and a vampire. Halcyon and Serenus used firestorm, swooom they all went down when the heat wave went across there body’s. Then more and more came, but this was a different vampire and no ordinary vampire. It was a vampire lord and he was immune to the spells, so they both used there swords and shields. It was the battle of the death. Two against one until it duplicated it self and Halcyon and Serenus looked at each other and nodded. They yelled “TAKE THIS” both of them gave all they got power with power. Body on body and there is going to be two deaths who is it going to be. Bing!! The blood splattered all over the floor. Then another noise, SHOKE, the blood gashed out onto the walls. The two vampires were dead. The two looked at each other with exhaustion, then nodded there head and when on to the next room.
There were 5green demons, 10 bone devils, 5Optys, and 5 demon goats. They knew it was too much for them so they had to make a plan. They looked for the exit of the room and saw a little passage for a human that could pass. At that time Serenus pointed at the passage and said “were going to run for it”. After that they ran as fast as they could, step by step the mobs attacked throwing acid, stones, magic and even treasures to make the two intruders to stop. But they didn’t stop; they just went on and on then dove right into the secret wall and into the belly of a green demon. They green demon spit out RAOR. At that moment Serenus used lightning on it and before Halcyon could use a spell, it was already dead. Halcyon got off the ground and used minor heal on Serenus, because he was burned from his spell. So they rested at a good spot in a hidden wall next to where Serenus destroyed the Green Demon. After about 10 minutes they went out of the hiding spot and starting back to running and fighting until they came to a room of more demon goats. They battle with lightning, cause of wounds, firestorm, magic bullet, Ice-bolt, and fire-bolt. The whole room was empty until they saw the fiery death mob called demon-s-fire. Therefore they had to use ice-bolt to calm down the heated room and but that didn’t kill the demons but only made them mad. All of them came after the two intruders and for quick thinking they started to use ice-storm all over the room. It went on and on and on until the demons were really weak. After that they used there swords to slay the evil fiery demons. But left only one that wasn’t fiery at all but it was much worse, it was the devil-lord right in the small gap protecting the stair way. It spotted us and he used lighting and it stroke Serenus. Halcyon shouted noooooooooooooo!!!!!! Halcyon used frost-bolt on it and used his sword. Slash, swoop, and swoosh, shhcut. Off with its head. Then Halcyon went over to Serenus and used minor healing. Serenus was badly hurt; he still wanted to go on and did.

CHAPTER 6: THE APOLOGY

They went up the stairs while Serenus is limping his way. Then they popped there heads when they got up top to make sure none of the mobs where up there close by. But it was quiet to quiet, so they walk up to the next room and saw Optys. Next they tried to avoid it and they did with quietness, until they ran right into some demon-armor mobs. The armor demon guys looked down and used its giant sword and tried to slash them. It missed them by a hair. At that same moment they used all what they got and destroy it. Then more and more came, so they used slash vs. slash to kill them. About 20 minutes there were all dead and Halcyon was all scratched up and Serenus was limping even more then before. When they looked around the only thing that they could see was the demons armor. Then they went to the other room, but not an ordinary room, but a dark, dark room. They walked into the room then Serenus light a candle and Boom, zing, the Raas cast some lightning and stroke Serenus right in the head. Serenus has fallen, and then about 7 Raas was coming after Halcyon. But Halcyon knew that Serenus has fallen and the Raas won’t bother him. So he used some ice-storms and some cause light wounds there and some lightning there. And eventually they were all dead. He went towards Serenus; Serenus said weakly “hey do I look to bad”. Then laughed weakly, “no, no you look fine just take a long rest okay” Halcyon said smiling and tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry about this morning; I was just trying to get some gold out of this. I... I” streeeeeek a flash grew Serenus and Serenus was gone in ashes. Halcyon blew back 30 feet and hit the wall with his back. He looked up and saw the master of lom-lobon, “Noooooo what have u done, your going to pay for what u done take this” Halcyon hollered. Halcyon charged at the lom and used all he got, but didn’t make a dent or even a scratch. The lom-lobon used his lightning and miss but barley missed. Halcyon was running, but the lom was following him all the way. At that moment Halcyon thought of something (like he always does) and then charged at him. The lom used magic bullet, Halcyon dodged it and ran behind him and used lightning. The lom went flying forward and right into the wall and his body exploded.

Halcyon was exhausted from the long fight and terror of his friends. He went towards the ashes and berried Serenus remains and wrote on the grave: the true neutral follower of the tabernacle and a true friend. Then walked away and toward the cloak, and then he whole room turned yellow and at that moment Halcyon body did to. Then turned to immortal one and they only one.

THE END

First "The Immortal One"
Very nice !

Second "The Immortal One"
Wow nice and interesting story ! I like the part where the they all fought the demons . Was funny and kind of sad .

But there is some word mistakes . Other than that, GOOD !